Beloved?

Reflections on the sermon at Church yesterday...

It all started in the garden. God told us to name the animals and since then we haven't really stopped.

We look at things and group, define and label them - an attempt to make this complicated world easier to understand and process. But like most things we've taken it too far, we don't stop with animals, with objects. We move on and throw labels onto each other

We group each other

Define each other and label each other.

And they stick.

Each and everyone one of us had labels thrust upon us growing up, some good, some bad but there they were.

Nerd

Jock

Goth

Punk

Teachers pet

Loser

These labels follow us - often still influencing us - even when they are far from true now, if they ever were. They pursue us and echo in our souls even when we think we've moved on. A shadow of our past haunting us, torturing us as we suffer beneath the surface many never seeing it.

It's amazing really how a small seemingly insignificant word can haunt us so much. How experiences from so long ago still have a role to play in our lives ten, twenty years down the road. Even when we fight so hard to overcome them and move past them. So much of who we are an attempt to prove the past wrong.

A child in his early adolescence, trying to find his way, find out who he is. Building and developing friendships but often feeling like he is on the outskirts, just trying to find a way in. Time and time again he tries to break through but it feels like he is incessantly banging his head against a wall. Labels are thrust upon him - some from others, some from himself.

As time goes on, friendships develop, the labels fade...but not from his mind. There they are inked - tattoos on his soul. Making him doubt and question the intentions of those around him - why? how? is it possible?  He tries to believe himself, but still they are....

A grown up now he's stronger in mind and in body but these labels still haunt him. Still bring tears to his eyes and make him question others and himself. a twister of tortured thoughts tossed around and tearing up his mind. He struggles to hold on, to grasp to the truth but it seems so far way.

The word called by the Word

Beloved.

He wants to believe it. He yearns for it with every ounce of his being but these labels weigh him down. Tire him out and he just can't seem to find the strength to believe. These old words just have too tight a grasp. So he lays there, tears streaming down his cheeks begging and crying for the truth to take hold.

Lord help my unbelief

Keeping the Feast review

Food and faith. 

At first glance it looks like the two have nothing in common apart from saying grace before a meal (well and that they both start with f), but in 'Keeping the Feast' Milton Brasher-Cunnigham gives us a fresh look at both; showing us that both are intimately connected.

Providing the reader both with new ways to look at faith as well as interesting recipes throughout his book Milton draws the reader in as they are present with a perspective of faith through the eyes of a chef.  Using the Eucharist meal (communion) as the centre point he shows how food and eating together is central to the gospels and central for community.  That within the meal their is community, acceptance, grace, comfort and hope.  That this meal connects us together throughout generations just like a recipe passed down within a family.

Reading this book gave me a different way to view both faith and food - for both there are components that are true and stay strong, but in both there needs to be room to grow, experiment and yes even to fail to keep it vibrant and strong.  In both their is discipleship and training that provides the best growth. And most of all, both are best shared in community - eating, laughing and sharing together.

I highly recommend this book especially to those who yearning to see faith in a new light and just happen to love delicious food.

Viral Jesus Review

            In "Viral Jesus"  Ross Rhode attempts to show the reader how we've strayed from the biblical model for church.  That Church should be contagious and spread virally as opposed to slow growth he claims the Church is seeing currently.  However, early on he alienates a large number of his readers by having a very narrow view of what church should be saying a lesson should never be prepared before hand, implying that a church isn't growing that the Holy Spirit isn't there and  going as far to say Christianity isn't spreading rapidly anywhere in the west - ignoring areas of Christianity that are growing.

              I find that Rhode does a good job at analyzing the problem - pointing out things within the Church that aren't working, that are problematic or are uniblical - but I'm not convinced of the solution.  Are descriptive passages in Acts meant to be prescriptive for all time? Is how the early church did church supposed to be normative or is this able to change with culture?  Yes we are stuck doing what we've always done but does that mean our only option is to copy the early church?  He critiques the institutional church for reading their views onto the gospel - but I feel he is doing the same. Yes the church is too structured at times, seeks too much control, but do we abandon it all?  The church grew rapidly even after it was institutionalized so God was there - we need change, renewal, redemption - but to throw it all out?  seems a bit drastic

            To me it seems like he's had a narrow experience with church only attending  those who primarily care about pure doctrine and have a more liturgical style and is rebelling against it while never acknowledge the good that is found within it and that though it isn't for him it does speak to many.  In the end he ends up positing just as narrow of a view of what constitutes a church as those he criticizes - leaving me wondering if he'd be shocked to see the Holy spirit moving within more traditional churches.

            In the end I find that he tears down but does little to build back up, all while implying that numbers are the only things that matters.  Criticizes wisdom, intelligence - but doesn't explain how to follow through with making decisions.  He says everything needs to be simple, that instead using wisdom God has given us we should just wait for prophecy.  It seems he's taking certain gifts of the spirit and placing them above others.

            I found it quite hard to get through this book - from the writing style, to the repetitive nature, to the narrow view posited within it.  Though there were valuable critiques made about the church and how it has changed and developed over the centuries, I found that I had to be intentional about picking out the wheat from the chaff - trying to find those kernels of truth while not just ignoring it all because of his way of ignoring other views of the gospel.

for Sunday

in this dark and dreary tomb I lay

deafening silence surrounds

throbbing in my ears 

eyes straining for any sliver of sunshine

only seeing shadows

nostrils filled with the stench of

decay and death

hopeless

but waiting

yearning

for Sunday

my heart aches

darkness closing in

like a vice

surrounding

crushing

invading

i cry out for help

but cannot hear a sound

not even my own voice

my vocal chords strain

aching for release

but all I hear

is silence

hoping

praying

for Sunday

wrapped in rough fibers

my arms pulled tight against me

trapped

wrestling with that which entombs me

holds me hostage

keeps me captive

my struggle brings me no salvation

only causing more fear

more terror

fighting yet finding no freedom

begging

crying

for Sunday

Eli Eli lama sabachthani?

My Lord my Lord

Why have you forsaken me

Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;

And by night, but find no rest.

why have you left your servant alone

abandoned to the grave

to be attacked

beat down

destroyed

why me Lord?

help me

please

i wait

i yearn

i hope

i pray

i beg

i cry

for Sunday

for Life

for Resurrection

For You.

Unexpected Places

Life leads you to unexpected places

            I see people my age

– heck younger than me doing what I always thought I’d be doing

what I dreamed I’d  be doing

serving

preaching

shepherding

leading

my heart still dreams

still yearns

aches for fulfillment of this calling

wondering when it will come to pass

I’ve committed my life to his service

A slave

But to be honest

When I said I’m yours Lord

I didn’t think it’d turn out quite like this

I wanted my servitude on my own terms

Not His

I wanted to give him glory through my strength

Not His

I wanted to pursue my dreams

Not His

Good intentioned but still self centered

And instead life has turned out like this

Almost 30 and never having been a pastor

Still so far away from the dreams of that young man

What would he think of me now?

Stuck in this unexpected place

So far from the plans he had

Sending parts instead of sending sheep

Making money instead of making waves

Yet, in this unexpected place I still feel God’s hand upon me

I still feel his blessing

“Well done good and faithful servant”

In the end

This unexpected place is only unexpected to me

This may not be where I would have wanted

But I’m sure it is where he wanted

This is me

This is me in Grade 7.

A chubby awkward kid.

Desperate for acceptance.

A kid allowing people to call him oges, short for ogr, it seemed like some sort of acceptance.

A kid starting to like girls – but no girls having any interest in him.

This is me 4 years ago

An excited young man. 

In love. 

Full of hopes and dreams.

A man about to get engaged
embark on a new adventure.

Or so he thinks.

Within a couple months
she’s going to change her mind

He’s going to be left

Broken

Hurting

Alone

Once more feeling like that chubby awkward kid

Desperate for acceptance

This is me now.

A man who loves his church

Loves his friends

Loves his life

But some days I still feel like that awkward little boy.

Desperate for acceptance

Still searching for love

Finding them

Yet doubting

Trying to overcome the ghosts of my past
as they wander the halls my mind.

Pulling strings like a puppeteer pushing thoughts past the truth

into dark alleys

where I am left to fend for myself

On the bad days wondering

If it will all come crashing down.

In my rational moments I know I am loved

Accepted

And so very lucky for the blessings that I’ve been given.

Yet I wonder

Worry

And seek to find that what I was seeking so many years ago

Seeking to feel loved

Without uncertainty

Without apprehension

Without tears

This is not my cry for help

This is not my attempt to procure pity

This is my struggle

This is my blessing

This is me.

New Year Resolutions 2012

Well it’s that time of year again.  The time where we sit down, reflect and tell ourselves what we’re going to change about ourselves for the next month or so before getting lazy or forgetting and so give up.  Despite that, I still want to try.  I don’t want to be satisfied with where I am.  Another year of lacklustre living, another year where I just watch time go by.  I want to make a difference.  I want to be different, so here goes:

1-Write more.

For a while I’ve been wanting to write more and always just get too distracted and lazy and let it fall by the wayside.  I’ve had in my head the idea of one specific blog for a while and just haven’t got around to starting it.  As such, I want to take time to write and post at least twice a month.

2-Be Authentic.

An absolutely amazing friend of mine (Meg Makins) made this resolution years ago and said it changed her life.  Too often we’re satisfied with surface relationships and never delve deeper.  We put up facades trying to be who we think people want us to be instead of just accepting ourselves and being ourselves.  This year I want to be real.  I want to be deep. Though this goes into so much more than this, I want something I can measure to see how I’m doing so to start I want to make the effort to go out of my way to have at least one deeper conversation each week that I wouldn’t normally have.  To ask more meaningful (also known as awkward) questions and dive deep with the people around me.  On top of that though, I want to get more in touch with who I am, love with abandon, pursue my passions and just be real.

3-Appreciate my friendships

This ties into #3 but I wanted to make it a separate one.  Our culture is often a culture where we push people down, mock them and tease them- sometimes in friendly fun other times out of spite.  I know I’ve been guilty of this and I want to change my relationships this year and not just make them deeper but making them more loving and encouraging.  I’m going to at least once a week tell a friend how much I appreciate them.  Not just a simple sentence but taking the time to let them know what in particular I find impressive about them.  What I respect about them.  Why I love them and why I am so glad they are my friend.

4-Don’t be afraid

For most of my life I think I’ve lived in a sense of fear.  I wouldn’t pursue a girl I was interested in because I was afraid of rejection.  I wouldn’t act myself in certain situations because I was afraid of what others would think of me.  I wouldn’t try something new because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be good at it.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore.  I want to take more risks.  I want to drink all life has to offer.  I want to do at least one thing a month that scares me.  Something that pulls me out of my comfort zone and forces me into new experiences.  That way so when I come to a situation that scares me my instinctive reaction becomes one of excitement – not fear.

5-Experiment in Hope

I want to make people smile.  To bring light into people’s lives – even through the small  things.  To go out of my way to do something that helps others – strangers, friends, family.  In a world that is often self focused I want to make more of an effort to do random things to help others.  To bring them hope, love and laughter.  At least twice a week I want experiment in hope, do something that will help bring light, love and life into someone’s life.

76-No excuses, play like a champion

I want to do everything I do the absolute best of my ability.  I don’t want to half ass anything.  My job, my writing, my relationships, my resolutions.  I want to go all out this year. “Till the day I die, til the fire’s just smoke.  I will go for broke til my last word’s spoke.  If I limp I will run with a limp.  I’ll win some and lose some but I’ll make my attempt”  I make these resolutions fully knowing most likely I’ll slip up on all of them at some point this year.  But strictly keeping to these are not the point.  The point is to strive, to push forward and to grow.  When I fail I won’t make excuses, but will get up and push forward.  Striving to be the best version of me that I can be.

So here goes.  I want 2012 to be different, to be awesome and ultimately that starts with me and the things I can control so here goes.