This is me

This is me in Grade 7.

A chubby awkward kid.

Desperate for acceptance.

A kid allowing people to call him oges, short for ogr, it seemed like some sort of acceptance.

A kid starting to like girls – but no girls having any interest in him.

This is me 4 years ago

An excited young man. 

In love. 

Full of hopes and dreams.

A man about to get engaged
embark on a new adventure.

Or so he thinks.

Within a couple months
she’s going to change her mind

He’s going to be left

Broken

Hurting

Alone

Once more feeling like that chubby awkward kid

Desperate for acceptance

This is me now.

A man who loves his church

Loves his friends

Loves his life

But some days I still feel like that awkward little boy.

Desperate for acceptance

Still searching for love

Finding them

Yet doubting

Trying to overcome the ghosts of my past
as they wander the halls my mind.

Pulling strings like a puppeteer pushing thoughts past the truth

into dark alleys

where I am left to fend for myself

On the bad days wondering

If it will all come crashing down.

In my rational moments I know I am loved

Accepted

And so very lucky for the blessings that I’ve been given.

Yet I wonder

Worry

And seek to find that what I was seeking so many years ago

Seeking to feel loved

Without uncertainty

Without apprehension

Without tears

This is not my cry for help

This is not my attempt to procure pity

This is my struggle

This is my blessing

This is me.