Unexpected Places

Life leads you to unexpected places

            I see people my age

– heck younger than me doing what I always thought I’d be doing

what I dreamed I’d  be doing

serving

preaching

shepherding

leading

my heart still dreams

still yearns

aches for fulfillment of this calling

wondering when it will come to pass

I’ve committed my life to his service

A slave

But to be honest

When I said I’m yours Lord

I didn’t think it’d turn out quite like this

I wanted my servitude on my own terms

Not His

I wanted to give him glory through my strength

Not His

I wanted to pursue my dreams

Not His

Good intentioned but still self centered

And instead life has turned out like this

Almost 30 and never having been a pastor

Still so far away from the dreams of that young man

What would he think of me now?

Stuck in this unexpected place

So far from the plans he had

Sending parts instead of sending sheep

Making money instead of making waves

Yet, in this unexpected place I still feel God’s hand upon me

I still feel his blessing

“Well done good and faithful servant”

In the end

This unexpected place is only unexpected to me

This may not be where I would have wanted

But I’m sure it is where he wanted

This is me

This is me in Grade 7.

A chubby awkward kid.

Desperate for acceptance.

A kid allowing people to call him oges, short for ogr, it seemed like some sort of acceptance.

A kid starting to like girls – but no girls having any interest in him.

This is me 4 years ago

An excited young man. 

In love. 

Full of hopes and dreams.

A man about to get engaged
embark on a new adventure.

Or so he thinks.

Within a couple months
she’s going to change her mind

He’s going to be left

Broken

Hurting

Alone

Once more feeling like that chubby awkward kid

Desperate for acceptance

This is me now.

A man who loves his church

Loves his friends

Loves his life

But some days I still feel like that awkward little boy.

Desperate for acceptance

Still searching for love

Finding them

Yet doubting

Trying to overcome the ghosts of my past
as they wander the halls my mind.

Pulling strings like a puppeteer pushing thoughts past the truth

into dark alleys

where I am left to fend for myself

On the bad days wondering

If it will all come crashing down.

In my rational moments I know I am loved

Accepted

And so very lucky for the blessings that I’ve been given.

Yet I wonder

Worry

And seek to find that what I was seeking so many years ago

Seeking to feel loved

Without uncertainty

Without apprehension

Without tears

This is not my cry for help

This is not my attempt to procure pity

This is my struggle

This is my blessing

This is me.

New Year Resolutions 2012

Well it’s that time of year again.  The time where we sit down, reflect and tell ourselves what we’re going to change about ourselves for the next month or so before getting lazy or forgetting and so give up.  Despite that, I still want to try.  I don’t want to be satisfied with where I am.  Another year of lacklustre living, another year where I just watch time go by.  I want to make a difference.  I want to be different, so here goes:

1-Write more.

For a while I’ve been wanting to write more and always just get too distracted and lazy and let it fall by the wayside.  I’ve had in my head the idea of one specific blog for a while and just haven’t got around to starting it.  As such, I want to take time to write and post at least twice a month.

2-Be Authentic.

An absolutely amazing friend of mine (Meg Makins) made this resolution years ago and said it changed her life.  Too often we’re satisfied with surface relationships and never delve deeper.  We put up facades trying to be who we think people want us to be instead of just accepting ourselves and being ourselves.  This year I want to be real.  I want to be deep. Though this goes into so much more than this, I want something I can measure to see how I’m doing so to start I want to make the effort to go out of my way to have at least one deeper conversation each week that I wouldn’t normally have.  To ask more meaningful (also known as awkward) questions and dive deep with the people around me.  On top of that though, I want to get more in touch with who I am, love with abandon, pursue my passions and just be real.

3-Appreciate my friendships

This ties into #3 but I wanted to make it a separate one.  Our culture is often a culture where we push people down, mock them and tease them- sometimes in friendly fun other times out of spite.  I know I’ve been guilty of this and I want to change my relationships this year and not just make them deeper but making them more loving and encouraging.  I’m going to at least once a week tell a friend how much I appreciate them.  Not just a simple sentence but taking the time to let them know what in particular I find impressive about them.  What I respect about them.  Why I love them and why I am so glad they are my friend.

4-Don’t be afraid

For most of my life I think I’ve lived in a sense of fear.  I wouldn’t pursue a girl I was interested in because I was afraid of rejection.  I wouldn’t act myself in certain situations because I was afraid of what others would think of me.  I wouldn’t try something new because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be good at it.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore.  I want to take more risks.  I want to drink all life has to offer.  I want to do at least one thing a month that scares me.  Something that pulls me out of my comfort zone and forces me into new experiences.  That way so when I come to a situation that scares me my instinctive reaction becomes one of excitement – not fear.

5-Experiment in Hope

I want to make people smile.  To bring light into people’s lives – even through the small  things.  To go out of my way to do something that helps others – strangers, friends, family.  In a world that is often self focused I want to make more of an effort to do random things to help others.  To bring them hope, love and laughter.  At least twice a week I want experiment in hope, do something that will help bring light, love and life into someone’s life.

76-No excuses, play like a champion

I want to do everything I do the absolute best of my ability.  I don’t want to half ass anything.  My job, my writing, my relationships, my resolutions.  I want to go all out this year. “Till the day I die, til the fire’s just smoke.  I will go for broke til my last word’s spoke.  If I limp I will run with a limp.  I’ll win some and lose some but I’ll make my attempt”  I make these resolutions fully knowing most likely I’ll slip up on all of them at some point this year.  But strictly keeping to these are not the point.  The point is to strive, to push forward and to grow.  When I fail I won’t make excuses, but will get up and push forward.  Striving to be the best version of me that I can be.

So here goes.  I want 2012 to be different, to be awesome and ultimately that starts with me and the things I can control so here goes.